Dancing with Faeries

The brisk chill of the winter’s evening air forced Jessie Belle to turn up her coat collar as she emphatically spoke into her phone, “This is not what I had in mind when I thought we were meeting up to ice skate, Carolina! C’mon! I haven’t seen you since you left for college! I was so excited when you suggested we have some sis and sis bonding time! It’s not fair for you to bail on me for a guy!”
As she listened to her older sis rattling off more excuses, light snow had begun to cascade down and provide a light blanket on the bench Jessie Belle had been patiently waiting on. Frustrated with yet another cancelled date, she precipitously stood up and snapped her flip phone shut with such force that it propelled the innocent device through the air and landed on the edge of the nearby frozen lake with a resounding thud.
The fresh layer of snow emitted soft crunching noises as she stomped her way towards her phone. Muttering angry words to herself, she stopped quite suddenly from a strange sound. For a brief moment, the beguiling noise seemed to echo around her; Jessie Belle slightly tilted her head to see if she can ascertain that peculiar sound. It was as if it was an enchanting, yet somber, melody she had heard before and yet couldn’t place. Lost in wonder, she catches a light twinkling at the corner of her eye…

 

​As the early morning light cast its glow upon his face she ponders whether their love would withstand all the bumps, bruises, and detours life tended to hand down.

Solemnly, she sighs to herself. For her heart ached with painful truths; as its wisdom hammered into the depths of her soul. 

Long forgotten tears cascaded down her face as she planted one final kiss upon his peaceful forehead and brokenly whispered a goodbye…

old poem: JOKE’S ON HER

The sparkle in his eyes so deceive,

To a heart that loves and was willing to believe…

Their love would forever last,

Looking to their future and forsaking the past.

But his soul wasn’t connected,

He thought of Love was something to be perfected.

He whispered ‘goodbye’ quite to her dismay,

She yearns for him and what they shared to this day.

“To see with eyes, unclouded, by hate”… a love letter

My Love,

  I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have been acting off my ‘rocker’ & being a total bitch towards you. I have really no excuses for it. I can try and explain it all, but I fear it would be in vain because I don’t think you’ll understand it fully. You deserved to be trusted & loved, so do I. I am sorry that all my insecurities are affecting Us. I really am. I really dislike this person I’ve become these past few months. I want to be happy again… a happier, nonchalant chick again. The chick you initially fell for. It’s just so hard, as of late, to be that person again. I live in a constant state of mental torture & I am doing my best to keep a brave & strong face, but… I am constantly faltering. Ever since the decision in July, then the devastating news in September – well, it has all killed me inside. I feel like I have died & I see no hope of resurrection or reincarnation in sight. I know I haven’t been fun/pleasant w/& towards you. I am that way to myself & everyone I care about. I hate who I’ve become. I am saddened by all the turn of events. I know I love you, I know I always will. You have & are firmly imprinted into my very being. I guess I am becoming accustomed to self sabotage… I know you’ve been trying to repair the damage we both inflicted upon each other. I am grateful for your love & how you try to show it by being here for me & doing “Mr. Fix-It” things around my house. I am eternally, utterly, most definitely grateful for it all. Please don’t resent me. I’m doing my best to become mentally well again… I know it’s not an easy task to ask, but please love me still & be ever so patient w/me… I am trying to be better, happier, saner for my own sake, so I can be better for & towards everyone I love. I will do my best to honour us & our relationship, if you can promise to do the same. All I can say is: I am trying… I just feel like I am failing & I am losing you in the process. I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to me… but, I can try to understand if this all becomes too overwhelming for you. I just ask that, if & when it does… please, please, PLEASE don’t hurt me like before. I don’t know if I can bear it again. If you must part from us, do so. Just be honest & faithful & true for both our sakes – for both our conscious & peace of mind. Please. If I must, or ever, lose you as my Love, I don’t want to lose my best friend because of a foolish(?!)misstep in judgement.
  I want us to be whole again. Happy together. To be able to share all of our hopes, dreams, & fears as we once did. I acknowledge you are trying – I am trying (but failing)… again, I am trying my best, but right now I can hardly give myself my best.
  Your patience, love, & support means so much to me. I don’t regret any of our good & bad times. I am so thankful to know you. To have met you, to fall in love w/ you & be able to “cry on your shoulders”. You are amazing!! I don’t ever want to be the reason that your fire for Life & Happiness burns out.
  I wish us to be the best of friends & the best as a couple… thank you so much for being that w/ me. I love you w/ what’s left of my heart & soul… please be kind and patient w/ it & me. I only want the best for us, both individually & together.
  You have been my rock and I can never say ‘thank you’ enough. I know my ‘thank yous’ & ‘sorrys’ are becoming redundant. I am trying my best to share w/ you a fraction of what I’ve been going through/have, and still, feeling. I hope you understand that I am not perfect, but I am trying to be a better person for, my &, everyone’s sake.
  I love you… I truly do.

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I loved him then… I love him now.
How do I forget? Someone, please, tell me how.
He swept me off my feet, a whirlwind romance.
It all was surreal and all began with chance.
Rapidly he rode in, his dashing looks and funny charm,
Never did I think it would do me harm.
We felt the love so deeply, deeper than the earth’s core… But when he abruptly left, he left me wanting more.
They say a love quick to flame can burn one so,
But… I honestly didn’t realize  that his would ever be the one to go.

WALLS

He lost me, indefinitely. Yet, the greater loss is within me and my Self. My well-being.
A full embodiment of loss. I have chosen to numb myself to the pain… to not allow myself to feel again. He scarred me, so deeply, that I know as a fact that I will never let, nor allow, myself to love another man unconditionally anymore. Days of trust, love and wearing my heart on the tip of my sleeve, will no longer billow in the wind. It’s foolish to react this way, to come to this type of finalization… but, it was damn foolishness that led to all this pain and mistrust. The hopeless romantic in me has died. The last embers of flame have cooled off and resorted to ash. Left to disintegrate and disappear with the slightest of breeze. There is little, to no hope, that a spark might turn into a beautiful glowing flame once more. Time will pass and my physical being will wither away into nothingness… just as my heart and soul have. My loss. Quite a Loss, indeed.

Lost at Sea

The wounds upon my heart & soul cannot refuse to heal,
It’s caused me an inability to feel.
Life has changed, in more ways than I can grasp,
I truly be foolishly believed our love could last.
Promises aren’t meant to be broken,
A Lover’s words are can feel so heartfully meaningful when spoken.
Alas, nothing in this world can will last forever,
I am hoping this deathly pain I feel is the last of my endeavor.
I tried to heal, I tried to smile,
All had been in vain with each passing mile.
My strengths have abandoned me & failed,
My soul feels like a lost ship that has set sailed.
Wondering this big ole world wondering questioning if I will ever smile my soul will ever smile again.
I wonder if I, once more, will become my own friend again…

When Things Feel So Lost

It all came crashing down.

Our hopes, dreams and plans of experiencing that, all too elusive,  ‘happy ever after’.

Time always lessens the pain, but the mark of our time together with always be a permanent imprint in my mind and on my soul.

It hurts beyond belief and it feels like the sun won’t rise again in my heart, but I have no choice but to move forward…

A sense of tranquility surrounds me as I sit, basking in the warmth of a beautifully sunny day. Magnolia leaves gently whisper a sweet melody upon my ears… I inhale the fresh air,  deeply. Feeling renewed, loved and centered. Embracing this moment, such a rarity: the serenity of it all.

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