“To see with eyes, unclouded, by hate”… a love letter

My Love,

  I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I have been acting off my ‘rocker’ & being a total bitch towards you. I have really no excuses for it. I can try and explain it all, but I fear it would be in vain because I don’t think you’ll understand it fully. You deserved to be trusted & loved, so do I. I am sorry that all my insecurities are affecting Us. I really am. I really dislike this person I’ve become these past few months. I want to be happy again… a happier, nonchalant chick again. The chick you initially fell for. It’s just so hard, as of late, to be that person again. I live in a constant state of mental torture & I am doing my best to keep a brave & strong face, but… I am constantly faltering. Ever since the decision in July, then the devastating news in September – well, it has all killed me inside. I feel like I have died & I see no hope of resurrection or reincarnation in sight. I know I haven’t been fun/pleasant w/& towards you. I am that way to myself & everyone I care about. I hate who I’ve become. I am saddened by all the turn of events. I know I love you, I know I always will. You have & are firmly imprinted into my very being. I guess I am becoming accustomed to self sabotage… I know you’ve been trying to repair the damage we both inflicted upon each other. I am grateful for your love & how you try to show it by being here for me & doing “Mr. Fix-It” things around my house. I am eternally, utterly, most definitely grateful for it all. Please don’t resent me. I’m doing my best to become mentally well again… I know it’s not an easy task to ask, but please love me still & be ever so patient w/me… I am trying to be better, happier, saner for my own sake, so I can be better for & towards everyone I love. I will do my best to honour us & our relationship, if you can promise to do the same. All I can say is: I am trying… I just feel like I am failing & I am losing you in the process. I don’t want to lose you. You mean so much to me… but, I can try to understand if this all becomes too overwhelming for you. I just ask that, if & when it does… please, please, PLEASE don’t hurt me like before. I don’t know if I can bear it again. If you must part from us, do so. Just be honest & faithful & true for both our sakes – for both our conscious & peace of mind. Please. If I must, or ever, lose you as my Love, I don’t want to lose my best friend because of a foolish(?!)misstep in judgement.
  I want us to be whole again. Happy together. To be able to share all of our hopes, dreams, & fears as we once did. I acknowledge you are trying – I am trying (but failing)… again, I am trying my best, but right now I can hardly give myself my best.
  Your patience, love, & support means so much to me. I don’t regret any of our good & bad times. I am so thankful to know you. To have met you, to fall in love w/ you & be able to “cry on your shoulders”. You are amazing!! I don’t ever want to be the reason that your fire for Life & Happiness burns out.
  I wish us to be the best of friends & the best as a couple… thank you so much for being that w/ me. I love you w/ what’s left of my heart & soul… please be kind and patient w/ it & me. I only want the best for us, both individually & together.
  You have been my rock and I can never say ‘thank you’ enough. I know my ‘thank yous’ & ‘sorrys’ are becoming redundant. I am trying my best to share w/ you a fraction of what I’ve been going through/have, and still, feeling. I hope you understand that I am not perfect, but I am trying to be a better person for, my &, everyone’s sake.
  I love you… I truly do.

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